Mafia Gazette Past Issue 91
The Mafia Gazette Issue 91 For All the News That Is News (E&OE) Weekender Edition: News Free For Your Enjoyment Saturday 17th June 'MOTHER’S BIRTHDAY ARRIVES ' We’d like to dedicate this edition of the Gazette to a unique person. Today is a special day for our community; it’s the birthday of our very own Mother. We at the Gazette would like to send out our best wishes to her on this day of celebration for her and her family and friends and it’s our pleasure to announce that a street party will be being held today in her honour and all are welcome. I’m sure we’re all agreed that her job is one of the hardest here and she does it exceptionally. Not only that she offers advice and assistance wherever needed and under her guidance many herehave flourished. So let’s all join together on this special day to celebrate a great woman and show her how much we appreciate her. Happy Birthday Mum! 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET IS.. ' “The Word on the street is… AlyssaDePiaget was seen hiding under MagicalTrevorJr’s bed eating lipstick and rocking back and forth while chanting.. “I am a Diva, I am a Diva.” ” “ The word on the street is… Mother hates everybody, except me of course.” “The word on the street is… Uncle_Fester dresses up like Mortisha on the weekends to do a drag show in Vegas.” “The word on the street is… TieDomiII was seen stuffing a shelter full of brownies mumbling something about PMS and the Armageddon.” “The word on the street is… BarbieDahl ate Ken 'ASK EMPEE! ' ~ Your Questions, answered… …ish. Good morrow readers, and welcome to my first “Ask EmPee!” column. Every week I shall endeavour to answer any deep, searching questions sent into the Gazette offices. If you would like to submit your OWN question, please mail to the gazette editors or myself. On with this week’s questions! Dear Pee Me (your name is an Anagram right?) I am confuddled. My name is Mr Sexy Thang and I was wondering with the death of Rah and Puck getting so Hawt all of a sudden, who is left to woo me? Love and Kisses, Mother's Sexual Terrorist EmPee says: Dear M.S.T., thank you for your delightful letter. Alas, there is no way of putting this nicely so I’ll just be blunt - I’m sure your Mum loves you very dearly, but unless you are considering embarking on an oedipal coupling you will be alone. Forever. Dear Em Pee, I know there is disagreement on the capability of an African sparrow carrying a coconut. My question is; what type of drinks were made once the coconut got to Medieval England. -Father_John_II EmPee says: Father John – I’m glad you ask, because this is something that I have pondered on for many seconds over the years. As it happens, I suspect that NO drinks were made at all. Contemporary evidence seems to indicate that coconuts were used simply to fashion representations of M.S.T. and his Mother. Dear EmPee, How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? -Damien_Thorn EmPee says: Damien, a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. More importantly, where IS that pheasant plucker? Dear EmPee, Is it possible to Knit sweaters with Belly button lint? And more importantly, what kind of toast does toe jam go best with? -Wicked EmPee says: Dearest Wicked, you raise two VERY good questions, so I shall tackle them individually. “Is it possible to Knit sweaters with Belly button lint?”. In short, Yes, though preparation and collection is key. Employing a fully qualified lint gatherer is advised, along with investing in a sturdy spinning wheel. The end results are priceless. Secondly: “what kind of toast does toe jam go best with?” – Corn bread. That’s all for this week – please remember to send in your questions, posthaste, for professional advice on fashion, lifestyle, relationships and personal hygiene. 'ON THE MENU ' Chi-Town Social Club The Chi-Town- Social Club may not be the glamour and glitter of Chicago but it doesn’t try to be. It’s a great place for businessmen to have meetings and enjoy a drink all at once. The club provides privacy if needed and a pretty damn good Merlot as well. The owner of this place is a man known by the name of Maxim. This is no black tie social but it is certainly a place to relax and have a great drink. After spending a night in the bar I found the place to be tranquil and relaxing, not to loud and not to quiet. The Chi-Town Social club is open to everyone no invitation needed. While even the street thugs are allowed entrance order is not a problem. The bar tender is attentive and willing to serve everyone but he won’t hesitate to throw out the garbage to ensure the environment stays enjoyable for his guests. Service was fast, friendly, and certainly had good quality. I personally recommend the chi town social club for those late night meetings that require plenty of alcohol. The Clock and Bullet While wondering the streets in Las Vegas I ran upon this little place in town called the Clock and Bullet. The decoration fits the name perfectly. The bar is a work in progress but progress it is certainly making. The building appears slightly rugged but it holds no bearing to the inside. The place is booming and customers are not lacking. The owner man called Father_Time certainly upheld the bar to grand standards. While it is not your average hole in the wall it is inviting. The large clock inside adds even more class to the name of the bar and owner. And as time holds such a significant place you can expect nothing less of the service. The environment is relaxing none the less and provides a haven for those in need of a bit of quiet whether it be to read or just drink away your sorrows. If in Las Vegas the Clock and Bullet is a must see. Lady Lia’s Lady Lia's is a must visit in terms of classy bars if you're ever in the windy city of Chicago. It's the second oldest bar in town and certainly the most popular Inside is an eclectic mix of old and modern, an antique chandelier hangs against a crystal blue backdrop and the bar is a modern plexi-glass. It's a place for the young and easy going with moderate lighting setting a relaxed mood. The cherry wood cabinet displaying fine china is a pivotal feature and provides an excellent focal point. The defining touch is the candles positioned around the bar that cast a warm glow over the whole place. Fine wines and liquors are plentiful in this gem of a bar as well as a wide variety of foods cooked to order by the Italian chef. The hostess is always warm and welcoming and provides arguably the best service and conversation in town. Pop along and see what you think for yourself. Making Waves The aptly named Making Waves is certainly doing just that on the Los Angeles bar scene at the moment. It's taken off since it's opening at the end of last month and is currently the oldest establishment in the city. The owner is T1fa a well-respected Los Angeles based mobster. If you're looking for a lighthearted atmosphere then this is certainly a joint worth visiting. The interior is open and airy with large comfortable sofas where you can kick back, relax and put your feet up. Everything about the place is easy going and there is never a rush. If you're in a hurry then perhaps look elsewhere but if you want a taste of what LA is really like then stick around and soak up the fun that this place oozes. The defining feature is a large, hand painted mural that covers the back wall, it immediately strikes you upon entry. T1fa and here colleagues cater for your every need and make you feel right at home. Laughter often fills the place and visiting is most certainly an enjoyable experience. I'd advise you to stop by if you're in the neighborhood. 'LETTERS PAGE ' Dear Carmela, Boy oh boy has it been a long time! First of all, let me say I am THRILLED that the paper is back on the stands. Quite a team you got, and such a pretty one at that.. Did you hear Dante is a flag now? Glitter and such? Anyway, I didn't write you to chitchat as usual.. I wrote you because there are more pressing matters at hands, and when I say pressing I don’t mean Ironing! *Insert Chuckle here* Now! Onto my rant, because I know you missed it! What the Hell is up with constant bitching and whining due to cleaners? It seems that every day someone has to get out their soap box, make sure their undies are wedged firmly up their arse, and complain that its too strict, or its too loose, or that blah blah blah. Jesus folks! Grow up! It's like this for a reason, not because its a point a click kinda world, but because you're supposed to live in it. As yourself! *Sighs* I have a dream, that one day.. You people will put as much effort into your businesses and your speeches as you do into your bitching and moaning. You people make me want to bash my head against the wall until I end up having a stroke. Not a stroke of genius, I have that daily, But the kind of stroke where I don't have to listen to you anymore. Damn it! Well, It feels good to get that off my chest, And until next time... Love always, Cooter J. Poo 'OBITUARIES ' Obituaries Coordinator: Midnight_Blue Gatorade Born: Apr 28th 06 9:29PM in Detroit Died: Jun 11th 06 4:36PM in New York Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: SabinaCostanza - "RIP" White_Lightning - "RIP" AntiNoodle - "OMG, RIP man!" Santo-Traficante-Jr Born: May 21st 06 3:51AM in Chicago Died: Jun 12th 06 12:48AM in Detroit Rank: Wise Guy Quotes from funeral attendees: diezysiete -" RIP Here one second, gone the next". Mr-Magms - "RIP" Rosario_Porello - "RIP....what happened?" Jimmy-Roast-Beef Born: May 20th 06 1:33 PM in Las Vegas Died: Jun 12th 06 2:15 PM in Chicago Rank: Earner Quotes from funeral attendees: Triple_H - "sad to see you go Rest In Peace". MagicalTrevorJr - "DOOOOOOOOD RIP Friend" Comrade_Emelianenko - "Earner...bad luck man RIP". IBPimpin Born: May 18th 06 1:43 PM in Detroit Died: Jun 12th 06 5:30 PM in Chicago Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: MoneyTalks - "RIP...Next time stay in contact man". Krazytrain -" RIP man" PullThePin -" RIP" Jimmi Born: May 16th 06 12:33 AM in Las Vegas Died: Jun 12th 06 10:58 PM in Las Vegas Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: Red-Rose -*walks up to the coffin and looks down at you and lays three dozen white roses* "i am sorry for everything and this is a horrible way to go. I hope you find peace." "RIP hun" Krazytrain - " RIP my friend" Banditas Born: Jun 8th 06 5:49 AM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 13th 06 1:33 AM in Miami Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: mr-lucky-coculuzziJR -" Rip, i had fun busting you out" Red-Rose - "RIP MM me if u come back" MrSir - "RIP" *lays a black rose on his coffin* uuulE Born: May 16th 06 3:10 AM in New York Died: Jun 14th 06 8:12 AM in Chicago Rank: Made Man Quotes from funeral attendees: LiaLombardi -" RIP" Jay-Brooks -" RIP friend" MarcoTardelli - "RIP" Fosters_Angel Born: Apr 30th 06 4:45 AM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 14th 06 5:11 AM in Las Vegas Rank: Made Man Quote from funeral attendees: Angelus - "Rest in Peace" Jellhoman - "RIP" Fisks - "RIp, sorry to see you vanish in this way, we were only talking seconds before." Don__Hammers Born: May 13th 06 7:13 AM in Miami Died: Jun 14th 06 8:18 AM in Chicago Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees Rosario_Porello - Your bullets find the target. Don__Hammers has suffered a fatal wound. Pow Pow, That's for my darling Eluuu" TheGamblinMan - "Not sure who did it, but that was for killing uuulE" Triple_H - Rest In Peace beniC Born: May 11th 06 7:29 AM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 14th 06 11:14 AM in New York Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: Dani-California -" Rest in Peace, hunny" MarcoTardelli - "RIP old friend" Jman00 Born: May 24th 06 11:25AM in New York Died: Jun 14th 06 2:10PM in Miami Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: Hartigan - "RIP, man, Sad day" Big_Benni - "RIP, truly sad" Mercury-Bonika - "RIP, man" monoxide-_--child . Born: May 4th 06 5:23PM in Miami Died: Jun 14th 06 2:38PM in New York Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: Rosario_Porello - "Jack-Keller" - "RIP" BlackMagic -" rip, brother" Mr_Smith Born: May 27th 06 6:32PM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 14th 06 4:22PM in Los Angeles Rank: Earner Quotes from funeral attendees: Wicked - "RIP" PullThePin -" RIP, These things happen". Big_Benni - "RIP" Mr-Mercury-Bonika Born: May 20th 06 7:48PM in Atlanta Died: Jun 14th 06 1:31PM in Miami Rank: Earner Quotes from funeral attendees: White_Lightning - "RIP" "Such a bad way to go, a fine man." *leaves his card for Mercury's son* Michael-corvinus - "RIP bro" Red-Rose Born: May 17th 06 6:27PM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 14th 06 12:23AM in Las Vegas Rank: Gangster Quotes from funeral attendees: Thug-Baybee-damn girl...i was just talkin to you! RIP.. Krazytrain -RIP my friend, contact me on return Santo_Traficante-Jr -RIP girl Iwanna Born: Jun 15th 06 7:02 AM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 15th 06 7:42 PM in Los Angeles Rank: Gangster Quotes from funeral attendees: Hank_Meyers - Rest in peace... Joey_Stone - "RIP, don;t resist arrest." Mancala Born: May 17th 06 10:55 PM in Denver Died: Jun 16th 06 2:31 AM in Denver Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: Mickey-Ray - "Rest mate, just got to know you as well." Shi-Tzu-Powow. - "RIP" Barafranca Born: Apr 21st 06 12:23 PM in Chicago Died: Jun 16th 06 4:43 AM in Chicago Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: MendingCulture _ "RIP Barafranca" Wicked - "RIP" L-ithium - "always bad to see a street boss fall. RIP" Hugo_Romerez Born: May 11th 06 3:28AM in Detroit Died: Jun 16th 06 5:16AM in Detroit Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: TheLimester - "RIP< is some culling SB's?" MendingCulture - "looks like it mate, 3 like that?" Leo_Baggio - "RIP, man" Cadet Born: Apr 4th 06 12:44PM in Miami Died: Jun 16th 06 10:22AM in Chicago Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: TheBigManJr - "RIP" Teh_Kungster - "RIP" AntiNoodle - "RIP Bud" Lost_Realist Born: May 19th 06 8:45 AM in New York Died: Jun 16th 06 10:33 AM in Miami Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: Tony_Regent - "RIP Teh_Kungster - "RIP" TheBigManJr - "RIP" "Another bites the dust....Thats 5 this morning." 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Classifieds Coordinator: Santo_Traficante-Jr 16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC) Lady Lia’s in Chicago is now offering a special on all beer, buy one get one free. Prices are lower than ever. .50 cents for every two beers! It’s a place to relax and release the worries of the world. Don’t miss the special running this week only. Drop in to Lady Lia’s today. 16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC) The Gazette is still in need of writers and permanent staff members. Do you like to write? Do you find yourself consuming the facts of current events? Are you good with words or willing to learn? If so the Gazette is the place for you. Inquire with DanteRossi or LiaLombardi via MM today. 16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:00, February 16, 2013 (UTC) Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to Santo_Traficante-Jr c/o the Mafia Gazette. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines.